Jun. 1st, 2009

there is no way i can leave this experience the same person. i'm already changing. i feel it and i'm not even scared. i think i should be, though. but everything is planned. there is no free will. i am accepting this as a necessity in order for me to complete my personal mission. no, i may not be completing it this time around but that does not mean i'm not gaining information to help me in the next stage. i will accomplish all that i am meant to. i will not get stuck here. maybe i will even fly.

Dec. 22nd, 2008

too much.
just realized i was raped.
cant do this.
too drunks.
i cant handle this.
cant.

Dec. 6th, 2008

Reading your old journal entries
just brought tears to my eyes.
Especially the one about me
and how close we are.


I'm so thankful that we're talking again
and I am more than willing
to put time and effort into
making things better between us.
I want to get back to that spot
where we know when the other is upset
just by knowing
and we show up to help
when we know we're needed
even if the other person is too stubborn
to ask for help.
I want to be your rock again
and I will do anything
to work my way back up to that position.


I love you so much
and you know,
if you ever needed someone
I would be on the first
train out to you.
It doesn't matter what time or day.

Nov. 14th, 2008

Dear You,

I've been writing you notes still. I wish things could go back to the way they were. I wish I could call you ever second of every day. I wish I could text you through class and tell you everything going on in my life. I want to hear about everything going on in yours. It's been two months and it feels like a life time. I know that it's all my fault that you're gone, that's more than clear. It usually is my fault, anyway. I really love you, though. I don't know why I did what I did. I can offer no explanation but I really wish I could. I wish I could some how make things better, but I can't. I can only hope and dream. I would give anything to have you back. I would trade in this entire life I've built out here if it meant we could be wifeys again. I'm going insane with out you. No one knows me like you do. No one could possibly understand me, or make me feel better to the extent that you did. You were and are the only person I care this much about. I know I haven't shown it, but it's true. I would drop everything for a chance to be friends with you again. If you ever called me and needed me or wanted me I would be on the next train out to Long Island and that's completely true.

Love Never Dies,
(and hopefully neither will we)
Jillie

Oct. 2nd, 2008

Page Count one hundred seventy six. Editing.
No relapses since last time.
GenYus? Comedy opened tonight.
It was fun.
Reading White Oleander again.
I love that book.
Even though it makes me want to kill myself.

Christel texted me.
Then just stopped.

Sep. 20th, 2008

sometimes all you need is an outlet


Everyone needs a place to be them.
A place to write and have no comments be made.
A place to be free of everything
except your own evaluation of yourself.

June 2009

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